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sharon

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never good enough. [May. 18th, 2009|01:19 am]
[mood | bitchy]

This place is ancient. I realise that I love to neglect my blogs. It's always the same problem. I get lazy and I just stop coming back! Oh well, at least I am keeping this blog still. *grumblegrumble. I really love this verse of Sarah McLachlan's Arms of An Angel:

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight


Let's all be honest. We are all imperfect creatures who can never be anywhere near perfection. So what do we do? I like to run away from it but I can't always run. There are always areas that I can be better because I was made for greater good. I know I have the potential to be a better person than what it is now so I take advice that people hand out to try for improvement. For the past 2 weeks of my life, I tried so damn freaking hard to be the person I knew I was 3 years ago and guess what I succeeded like 70%. It's a damn good result if you ask me. I mean I haven't totally become that but an improvement is always good. I feel good about it really. The getting there is definitely not easy but I realised that it isn't as hard as I've always claimed it to be. So now what? Let me take a few steps back and just underline some things.

We are always told that when we decide to change for the better, we should always do it for ourselves but how often are we true about that? It is always never just for myself when I try for a change and it is something that I find hard not to be. I can't just change solely for myself cos it is never satisfying and we all need someone to tell us that we are heading in the right direction. Ok, I take back my words. I can't say everyone need that but everything I've mentioned applies to me and whoever agrees with me. Oh. And we are always told that we change not for the sake of having others to compliment us but hey! Many of us need to know that we are going in the right direction and in this case we are not so much seeking compliments but just being sailors looking out for the lighthouse. I think it really makes alot of difference.

So what happens when you have succeeded 70% and somehow the assurance you are seeking seems to focus on the 30% or worse, finds fault with your 70%? We have our own ways of trying to do things right, to prevent shit from happening and to simply try and not react so as to make lives easier. So what happens when all you did was try to prevent yourself from being the raging machine that you are known for by asking questions, so as to have a better understanding of situations, only to have yourself expected to rage simply cos that's how you'd have reacted?

When shit you try to avoid happen, how are you suppose to not feel not good enough? I'm saying that I feel insufficient, that no matter how hard I try to be better, I am never good enough. Hand me some advice as to what I should do. Should I just stop caring altogether and just be that raging machine or just go with the flow of these new change and accept that no one can ever be good enough and we can only live with that? Shit. Now that sounds like life is just horribad and miserable. Maybe I'll just enjoy this new change and anyone who finds fault with it can just suck their own thumb and live with it. Because I have tried so hard and come so far and I deserve a pat on my back rather than have it shoved in my face even when I try so hard to make things better.

*grumblegrumble. Or maybe I should just fuck it and just eat my tub of B&J's. Then again, my cramps are disagreeing with my B&J's idea. FML. LOL.

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amazed [Jul. 21st, 2008|09:40 pm]
I stand amazed at how noble teachers are. I've already starting relief teaching in skps actually. It's pretty cool so far, the teachers I've met are like WOW. I mean they have to handle children and they still make sure that I'm comfortable. I thought I'm suppose to be easing their work load :/ Oh well, amazing experience so far!

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Ohhh [Jul. 17th, 2008|09:23 am]
Hi blog, I haven't seen you for long. Where have I been? Nowhere actually. Hmmm, WoW is fun, but some of the people in there are not. In fact, many! Oh well. Doesn't matter.

I've got a job just today! I'm gonna be relief teaching in Seng Kang Primary School starting next monday morning. I'd be just like a teacher, just with lesser pay. Oh well I'll like it still, i believe. I've just got red earphones yesterday! It's RED! Goes with my bag and my psp. This is so random. I so don't know what else to say.

That's it for now I guess. :D

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Some songs to share! [Jun. 19th, 2008|01:07 pm]
My dearest brothers and sisters, within the next 7 days, feel free to click on the links below to download the songs. (:

Stained Glass Masquerade:
https://download.yousendit.com/CBED77330E5FF81E

Who am I:

ENJOY! BWAHAHAHA!

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back, for awhile. [Jun. 4th, 2008|03:08 am]
Surprise, surprise! I came back to write something. Be forewarned, there's nothing much that's really worth feeling happy about.

1. I got my rejection letters for ALL my applications, meaning NUS, NTU and NIE. WOW! I've appealed for NUS and NTU, only to realize that if I appeal for english in NTU, I can't appeal for BArts (education). Oh, whatever. I feel like I'm prepared to wait another year before I get to slave my ass off studying again. I don't feel particularly upset, just indifferent. I've been exercising my brain with sudoku, crossword puzzles, bridge, scrabble and novels.

2. If you people remember my lovely hamsters, I have tragic news to share. Wendy is fine and dandy, still healthy, alive and kicking. Joy has swells on her left lip and her left hand. The swell on her hand is quite small but the one on her lip is giving her lots of trouble eating. Fatty Gwen's fur is shedding like the other time, only that this time her bottoms are suffering as well. Oh but she's is still the usual buddha poise gwenny. Now, jillian, she is the villain, her right leg swelled so big that she can't groom properly and she limps everywhere! We don't even dare to pick her up, fearing it might worsen the condition. I notice all these 3 days ago. I think that joy looks particularly sad despite her name, Gwenny's balding seems to have stopped and Jillian's leg looks better. Then again, it feels like all the good news are self-deceiving. Why didn't we bring them to the vet? Cos I'm flat broke. I don't even have money to bring for camp or whatever. For my hamsters, unless they can live another 365 days without pain or discomfort, I want them to die soon. It's too painful to watch them live like this.

3. I haven't been sleeping or eating well, everyone around me seem sick, in pain or something. There's absolutely little things to be happy about. When I sleep, I dream, mundane, positive or negative contents. So when I wake up, it feels like I haven't slept. GRRRR. I'm feeling miserable and sometimes it seems like there is nothing to hope for. I've stopped expecting because when I expect, nothing happens, the disappointment grieves me. So when I don't expect, there is nothing to be disappointed about. I need a miracle which isn't looking like it's coming anytime soon. RAWR!

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